


RENT In Thirty Minutes Or Less

by darkin520



Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-23 22:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6132988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkin520/pseuds/darkin520
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of RENT.  One-shot.  *COMPLETE*</p>
            </blockquote>





	RENT In Thirty Minutes Or Less

**December 24** **th** **, 9 PM, Eastern Standard Time**

Roger is playing with his guitar and Mark is filming him in their tiny apartment in Greenwich Village in New York City.

"Ugh, the guitar won't tune," Roger grumbles as he plays the wrong chord.

"You don't say," Mark replies, rolling his eyes.

Roger attempts to play the correct chord when the phone rings. They let the machine get it to find it's Mark's mother on the phone.

"Gosh, that beep was so loud. Is this thing on? Mark, are you there? Are you screening your calls again? It's Mom! Well, we're sorry to hear that Maureen dumped you, but I tried to tell you there was something off about that girl. And I was right; she's a lesbian for goodness sake. Well, let her do that if it makes her happy. There are other fish in the sea. Oh, and by the way, Merry Christmas; love, Mom!"

"Well, that was awkward," says Roger. "I thought you were Jewish?"

"I am."

"But didn't your mother just say-"

"Forget it. Just get back to playing before I run out of film."

So Roger continues to play the guitar until the phone rings yet again. It's their friend, Collins.

"Collins, come on up," Mark says as he picks up the phone.

"Well, I need the key; throw it down."

"Just a-"

"Uh oh, plans might need to change."

"What do you-"

"Ho, ho, ho."

"Shit, it's Benny."

"It sure is, bitches, and I need my rent."

"What rent? You said we could live here for free."

"Well, I changed my mind. Pay up, or you're outta here. Merry Christmas!"

"Now what?" Roger asks.

"We're not gonna pay rent, so let's sing a song about it," Mark says. "And we'll light stuff on fire to keep warm."

"Okay, cool," Roger says.

And everyone in the apartment building breaks out into song and has a huge bonfire.

~RENT~

But during the musical number, we find out that Collins has gotten beat up, and his coat is stolen. But don't be too sad; he finds an angel, of sorts: a transvestite playing the drums in a phone booth.

"Oh, you poor baby!" Angel cries. "Are you okay? Did they take any money?"

"Didn't have any 'cause I'm broke ass. But they stole my coat! Let's sing a song about this."

"Why the hell not?"

And they break out into song.

"You're cute. Why don't you come on over to my place and let me fix you up?" Angel asks.

Collins blushes. "That's mighty kind of you, but…I have AIDS."

"Who cares? So do I. Come on over, and we'll have hot sex. I don't take no for an answer, honey."

"You really are an angel," Collins says as he takes Angel's hand.

"You're about to see what a devil I can be in the bedroom," Angel whispers in his ear.

~RENT~

Roger's alone in the apartment, crying that he has AIDS too. "My girlfriend, April, left a note telling me we had AIDS and then she killed herself. I think I should sing a song about that." And he plays his guitar and sings an awesome song about it.

Mark walks in. "Are you singing about AIDS again?"

"Get out, Mark. I'm trying to write the best song in the world because the one I just sang was complete crap. I need to leave my mark on the world before I die of AIDS."

"Fine, but don't forget to take your AZT."

"I said leave!"

Roger goes back to playing his guitar after Mark leaves him when there's a knock on the door. And…it's a girl!

"Hi, excuse me while I barge into your apartment and ask you to light my candle a million times, okay?"

"If it'll get you out of here so I can cry about my dead girlfriend, then fine. But you look like her when you smile. Want to sing a song with me, hot girl?"

"My name's Mimi, and sure, I'll sing with you."

"I'm Roger. Let's light this candle."

After the musical number, Roger tries to go back to his guitar when there's yet another knock at the door. He sighs and goes to open it.

"Mimi? Do you need me to light your damn candle again?"

"No, dumbass, I think I dropped my drugs, and I need a fix. Help me look." She gets down on her hands and knees and starts looking. She then notices Roger staring at her butt. "They say I have the best ass below 14th Street. Is it true?"

"No, what? I wasn't-"

"You're staring again," she replies with a wink.

"You look familiar."

"Like your dead girlfriend."

"Only when you smile, but I'm sure I've seen you somewhere else…besides on the balcony across from my apartment."

"I'm a dancer at the Catscratch Club," she says with a sigh.

"That's it, but I didn't recognize you without the handcuffs…and you know, with your clothes on."

"I am not a stripper; I am an exotic dancer. There's a difference."

"Whatever."

"Just help me find my damn drugs."

"Wait, drugs are bad, okay? I used to do 'em, and I know. They gave me AIDS."

"Well, I got AIDS too, but I like what they do for me."

"Whatever. I think it's time for you to go 'cause I'm out of matches. And we can't find your drugs, so you're barking up the wrong tree."

~RENT~

Joanne gets a phone message from her parents, the Jeffersons.

"Joanne, why are you stage managing for your lesbian girlfriend when you should be helping unwed mothers in Harlem? Well, your mother's hearing is coming up, and you need to be there. Oh, but we're totally rich, and we know you're not, but we won't pay for you to come. But you'd better be there. And wear a bra and don't wear those God awful Doc Martins. Wear a dress and come alone. Merry Christmas, darling!"

~RENT~

"Merry Christmas, bitches!" Collins yells as he barges into the apartment. "Have some firewood and some cereal. And how about some Stoli while we're at it?"

"Sure," Roger and Mark cry in unison.

"So you must have finally struck gold at MIT? It's about fucking time," Mark says through bites of cereal.

But Collins shakes his head. "No, those idiots expelled me because I blew a few things up trying to prove my theory of actual reality. But it's time for you to meet the one responsible for all this. Yo, Angel, get your sexy ass in here."

Angel enters and begins to sing a song. "I killed Benny's dog for money! Woo!" She then plays an awesome drum solo and gives them all the money because she's an angel. Duh!

"Yo, I need my rent, guys! Sing a song with me and agree to go into business with me."

"We're not paying rent. We're fucking broke. We've got AIDS!" Roger cries.

"Why do you all hate me?" Benny cries. "You'll see my side or you'll pack."

"You need some Prozac, honey," Angel tells him.

"Or heavy drugs, Roger says. He then shakes his head. "No, wait, drugs are bad. They gave me AIDS."

"Or group hugs?" Mark suggests.

"No, but we need to go to Life Support. You want to come along, Roger?" Collins asks.

"I'll go after I help Maureen fix her equipment," Mark replies.

"Roger?"

"No way, I've got AIDS, and I'm too sad to talk to other people with AIDS."

~RENT~

"Haha, _you're_ Maureen's ex? Well, since I'm more of a man than you, I can see why she dumped you," Joanne says as Mark walks onto the stage.

"Do you want my help fixing the sound equipment or not?" Mark asks.

"Fine, as long as you'll listen to me rant about Maureen while you do all the work."

"Sounds good. And we can tango while we sing about how much Maureen sucks," Mark says.

"Sure, why the hell not?"

"But Maureen's totally hot," Joanne finally decides.

"Yeah, I know," Mark agrees.

~RENT~

**At the Life Support meeting**

"We have AIDS, and we have no one to support us," says Gordon, the meeting coordinator. "Let's sing about it."

"Okay, great. Forget regrets, and blah, blah, blah. No day but today!"

~RENT~

**At the Catscratch Club**

"I'm like a cat in heat. Let's go out tonight!" sings Mimi. She then howls at the moon and scares all the customers away, so she decides to barge in on Roger. "Hey, sexy, take me out tonight." And she kisses him full on the mouth.

"Mimi, I'd love to but…what's that in your pocket?"

"Oh, it's my drugs. Get high with me?"

"No, Mimi, drugs are bad. We can't. I want you to go away and leave me alone with my guitar."

"But I thought-"

"Go…and take your drugs with you!" Roger yells. "But first, let's sing another song about it."

"Okay, no day but today," says Mimi.

~RENT~

**Back at Life Support**

"To end the meeting, let's sing another song about AIDs," says Gordon.

"Great," everyone agrees. "Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?" And they repeat it at least fifty times.

~RENT~

After the meeting, Mark, Roger, and Collins are on their way to Maureen's protest. Mark sees a homeless woman and whips out his camera.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" screams the woman. "I don't need no help from some dumbass, penniless artist."

"Take it easy, sugar," Angel tells her. "He was just trying to-"

"Just trying to use me to kill his guilt? I don't think so. It ain't that kind of movie."

~RENT~

So Mark is forced to put away his camera for the time being while he and the others take the subway to Maureen's performance space. Angel immediately breaks into song.

"New York City might be the center of the universe, but anywhere else would be a pleasure cruise."

"Hell, yes!" Collins agrees. "Santa Fe is the best place on Earth. Let's open up a restaurant there!"

"I want to be the cook!" Mark cries.

"And Angel will play the drums while I serve up the booze!" Collins says. "Prairie dogs and tumbleweeds are da bomb!"

~RENT~

"Collins, I love you, so let's sing a song and dance with each other," Angel tells him.

"Great, because I know I can't buy love, but I can rent it with you."

"And I'll cover you with a thousand sweet kisses, baby."

~RENT~

"I'm Joanne, and I get to sing a solo!" Joanne cries. "Okay, I've got to do some lawyer business before Maureen's protest. Oh, man, incoming call from my parents. I've got to juggle two phones now, but I'm awesome at it. And we're all okay! Woo!"

~RENT~

"Christmas bells are ringing, but we're all poor and sick. But we're still singing and pretending to be happy anyway!"

"I'm going to buy you a new coat, Collins, because I love you," Angel says.

"Wait a minute, she stole it!" Collins points to one of the vendors.

"Too bad, it's mine now. I can give you a discount."

"You little-"

Angel grabs his arm. "Forget it."

"But she-"

"Let's see what you have," Angel says to the vendor. "My baby needs a brand new coat."

"I don't deserve you, Angel."

"Kiss me; it's beginning to snow."

Meanwhile, Roger was telling Mark about Mimi's visit.

"Let me get this straight. She showed up and wanted you to take her out?" Mark asks. "Well, she got you out, didn't she?"

"But she had drugs. Let's just go eat. I'll get fat, and it's the only thing I've got when I'm dying of AIDS." He scans the crowd. "Mimi's over there."

"Whoa, she's hot!"

"I better go and talk to her," Roger says as he begins to angst again.

Meanwhile, the Man, aka the drug dealer, shows up and leads all the junkies around the square…'cause his pockets are full of the good drugs they all want.

"Mimi, I just want to say I'm sorry," Roger says. "Can I make it up to you?"

"How?"

"Hey, loverboy, if you steal my client, you'll die!" yells the Man.

"You didn't miss me, you won't miss her!" He points to the line of junkies. "You'll never lack for customers!"

"Let's sing some more about Christmas bells and the snow!" the crowd yells as they break out into song.

Maureen then shows up on her motorcycle. "Joanne, which way to the stage?"

~RENT~

"My name's Maureen, and I'm going to tell you all about this crazy dream I had about this cow who wasn't allowed to give milk. She told me we all need to jump over the moon. Now you're all going to moo with me!"

All of a sudden, a single man begins mooing.

"Come on, sir," Maureen says. "Moo with me!"

"Moo!"

"That's it, louder," Maureen shouts.

"Moo!"

"Keep mooing!"

"Moo!"

Then the cops show up, and a riot breaks out.

~RENT~

**At the Life Café**

"No, not you. You all need to get out!" the waiter says. "You never order anything anyway."

"I don't think so," Mark says. "I had a tea the other day."

"You couldn't pay, though."

Angel shows him the money. "We can pay now, though. I killed a dog for all this cash."

"Oh, man, look, it's Benny," Maureen says in disgust. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here grieving the death of my annoying Akita, Evita," Benny says, "But seriously, Mimi, why the hell are you here with these losers? Don't you know Bohemia is dead?"

"What? Bohemia died?" Mark cries in shock. "You're an idiot, Benny. Bohemia is not dead. Hey, guys, let's throw a party in honor of Bohemia."

"Fuck yeah, Bohemia rocks," everyone cries.

"All right, let's sing about inspiration and masturbation!"

"Woo! And don't forget dildos," Angel cries.

"And anarchy!" Collins adds.

Mimi dances and yells, "And S and M!"

"And cows, Langston Hughes, and the stage!" says Maureen. She then turns to Joanne and they begin making out while Angel and Collins dance provocatively.

Mimi's beeper then goes off. "AZT break."

"You…you have AIDS?" Roger says, holding his beeper as well.

"Yeah, I got it from drugs."

"That's what I've been telling you…drugs are bad! But do you know what this means? Now we can have sex and not have to worry about killing each other! So let's have at it."

"Hell, yes! And let's sing a song about it, too!" Mimi says.

"To faggots, lezzies, dykes, and cross-dressers too. To me, to me, to you, you, you, you, you and you! To people living with AIDS!" the crowd sings.

**New Year's Eve**

First the cast sings a song . "525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. How do you measure a year? Blah, blah, blah. Measure your live in love. Love! Seasons of love!"

"Well, it's New Year's Eve, and it's about time we break back into our apartment, so we can party!" Mark tells his friends.

"How long until next year?" Mimi asks.

"Three and a half minutes."

"I'm going to give up drugs and go back to school," Mimi vows.

"Where are Collins and Angel?" Mark asks, pacing back and forth. "It's almost midnight, and they're supposed to be here."

"Well, they're probably deciding what to wear to a party that's also a crime," Mimi quips.

At that moment, the power comes back on, as if by magic. They all hear the answering machine. The first message is Mark's mother.

"Happy New Year, Marky! We're all impressed that your riot footage made the news. Even your father says mazel tov. Honey, call him. Love, Mom!"

Another beep and a new message is heard: "Mark Cohen, Alexi Darling from _Buzzline_."

"Oh, that show's so sleazy," comments Mark.

"Your footage of the riots was impressive. We're talking networks, deal time. Come work for us, and you'll make lots of money. Say yes! We're sending you a contract! Call me at 970-4301 or at home, try 863-6754. Or my cell phone at 919-863-7090. Or you can e-mail me at darlingalexi at newcom dot net . Or you can page me at-"

A loud beep sounds as the machine cuts off.

"James Bond and Pussy Galore to the rescue," Collins announces as he and Angel waltz in, blowtorches in hand.

They blast through the door. "Five, four, three, open sesame!"

"Happy New Year!" they all shout and blow noisemakers, only to find their party has been interrupted by Benny.

"I see that you beat me to the punch."

"How'd you know we'd be here?" Roger asks.

"Lucky guess. See, Mimi came to see me, and begged me to let you all back in. I wasn't going to until she offered me her hot bod. I couldn't say no on that deal."

Everyone turns to stare at Mimi.

"I'm not her boyfriend, so I don't care what the hell she does," Roger says.

But Mimi sees the hurt on his face. "I need to go see the Man and get some drugs so I can drown my sorrows."

~RENT~

"Maureen, I think we should break up," Joanne says.

"What? You'll never find anyone better than me, baby!"

"I'm sorry, I just can't take your flirting anymore!"

"Well, that's fine. Take me, baby, or leave me!" Maureen shouts.

"Guess I'm leaving you."

~RENT~

After a massive orgy, Angel tells Collins some devastating news. "Collins, my love, I'm dying."

"No, Angel, it can't end yet!"

"I'm sorry, darling, but I have to go."

"It's over," Collins cries.

~RENT~

**At the funeral**

Mark is outside the church, talking on his phone.

"Marky, Alexi Darling, did you sign the contract?"

"Yes, I'm just a little… I'm at my friend's-"

"Oh, I don't care about that. All I care about is money. You know you need it. We all need it. Send that contract over, and I'll call you tomorrow."

"Well, I'm leaving for Santa Fe because I can't be around all of you anymore," Roger says.

"I'm back on drugs, and I miss Angel," Mimi cries. "I need to be alone because I'm getting sicker and weaker by the day."

~RENT~

"I've decided I can't be a sellout anymore, Alexi," Mark says. "I need to finish my own film! I quit!"

"Hey, Marky, I'm back from Santa Fe. I wrote my song!"

"Welcome back, bro," Mark replies. "And I made a film. Want to watch it?"

"Sure, but first, I want to find Mimi so I can sing my song to her."

But Roger looks and looks, but alas, he can't find her. So he finally agrees to watch Mark's film on December 24th, exactly one year from the start of this.

But as Mark turns the projector on, the power blows.

"On second thought, maybe we won't screen tonight," Mark says.

"If only I could find Mimi. You know I tried."

"I heard Benny's wife found out he was screwing Mimi. I wonder how she found out."

"I think Angel, who is apparently dead, spilled the beans. You know, she always had special power," Collins says as he walks in.

"Well, the power's out, so we can't watch Mark's movie. And I can't find Mimi to sing her my song. Got any beer?"

"No, but we can get that later." He pulls out a wad of cash.

"Whoa, where'd you get that?"

"I used my super genius skills to rewire the ATM at the Food Emporium to give free money to anyone with the code. A-N-G-E-L. How smart is that?"

"Help!" Maureen's voice echoes through the hallway. "We found Mimi on the street." She and Joanne come in, carrying a limp Mimi.

"She's been living on the street."

"I'll call 911," Collins announces. "I'm on hold!"

Roger kneels down next to Mimi. "Oh, Mimi, even though you're almost dead, I'm going to play you this kickass song I wrote you. It took me a whole year, so you can't die until I'm done, okay?"

"Oh, Roger, that was a nice song," Mimi says as her eyes roll back into her head. "I love you, but I have to die now."

"Mimi, no!" Roger cries.

"Moo!" Mimi cries. "I…I jumped over the moon and came back because Angel told me to!"

"Awesome. Let's sing another song about this!"

"Cool." And everyone join in.

"Great," Mark cries. "And then we can all watch my film."

"Yay for Angel!"

"No other path, no other road, no other way!"

"I'd die without you!"

"No day but today!"


End file.
